


things look different in the morning (would you still hold me?)

by badasskorra



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Light Angst, the benefits of fRENship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 09:33:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10761513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badasskorra/pseuds/badasskorra
Summary: Clary would blame the alcohol in her veins if anyone asked, because right now she's too tired to think about the many ways this can go wrong and Izzy, who just said she wanted to kiss her, is right there, looking like some ethereal being, and Clary can't stop herself from leaning in and closing the distance between them.(nothing is supposed to happen between them until it does)





	things look different in the morning (would you still hold me?)

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote almost the entire thing last sunday but it took me a week to sit down and finish it Yikes   
> (most of this was written @ 3 am so it may suck im sorry)
> 
> title from zara larsson's 'don't let me be yours' 
> 
> im on tumblr @ wylanhedriks

The first time it happens is after a party at Magnus' place.

They are both drunk off their asses, clinging to each other as they make their way to their apartment. They can't take two steps without one of them stumbling, but neither of them can stop laughing.

When they do make it to the front door, it takes Clary five minutes to unlock it. She sighs in relief when she finally hears the click of the lock, and takes Izzy's hand in hers, dragging her inside.

The two girls feel too tired to change into their pajamas so they leave their clothes on and drop on one of the beds, Izzy immediately snuggling up into Clary.

Clary smiles and turns to face her friend but as soon as she sees Izzy's face, her breath hitches. Izzy is looking at her with something in her eyes Clary can't decipher, something akin to longing. But Clary thinks her mind is making up things because that's impossible; she knows for sure Izzy doesn't have feelings for her, because Isabelle Lightwood doesn't _do_ feelings. 

Just as Clary's about to turn away, she feels Izzy hand on her arm and freezes.

Izzy licks her lips, not looking away from Clary, and says, "I wanna kiss you," the words barely above a whisper. 

Clary thinks her heart stops beating in her chest.

"W-what?" she stammers. _Good job, Fray._

"I wanna kiss you," Izzy repeats, this time with more certainty. "Can I?"

Clary would blame the alcohol in her veins if anyone asked because right now she's too tired to think about the many ways this can go wrong and Izzy, who just said she wanted to kiss her, is right there, looking like some ethereal being, and Clary can't stop herself from leaning in and closing the distance between them.

Instantly, Izzy kisses back, weariness long forgotten. She puts one of her hands on Clary's waist and buries the other in her hair. Clary cups her face with her hands and changes the angle, deepening the kiss, tasting alcohol and the chocolate ice cream Izzy ate earlier on her tongue. Izzy lets out a whimper and moves both of her hands to Clary's hips, grabbing her ass and making Clary straddle her.

They kiss until they both feel breathless, and Clary bites Izzy's bottom lip before pulling away. They look at each other for a few moments, neither saying anything, until Clary suddenly gets up and rushes to the bathroom to throw up.

They don't talk about it afterwards, both moving on with their lives as if nothing happened that night.

//

They don't mean for it to become a thing until some weeks later they find themselves in Izzy's bed again, both having drunk too much on Jace's birthday party.

But what starts as them drunkenly fooling around soon turns into something else, because the next time it happens, neither one of them has alcohol in their system and both girls are very much sober.

It's after a very long and frustrating day in college that Izzy comes home fuming, looking as if she's ready to kill a man, and judging my her angry rant about her Biology teacher, she is.

Clary just looks at her for a few seconds from her place on the couch before standing up, leaving all caution to the wind, and kissing her.

They've never kissed sober before, and so kissing Izzy now feels like an entirely new experience. Izzy is stunned at first but then relaxes into Clary and winds her arms around her waist.

This isn't like any of their lust-driven kisses; this time they take it slow, as if they have all the time in the world. And for a moment, Clary believes they do.

But then her fantasy is shattered as she remembers that they are just making out, they're not actually together and Izzy doesn't love her, at least not in the way lovers do.

Clary feels a pang in her chest, like a longing for something she can't have and suddenly feels like throwing up, the reason not being alcohol this time.

Izzy, as if she notices something is wrong, pulls away with one last chaste peck to Clary's lips.

Clary wipes her hands on her jeans and clears her throat. "So, uh, did that help?" she asks, looking at a spot next to Izzy's head.

"Yeah," she sounds like she wants to be anywhere else but here and Clary tries to ignore the pain in her stomach, "thanks."

//

Clary thinks that they'd stop after that awkward encounter in the kitchen but Magnus' next party finds them making out on his couch, Izzy straddling her and Clary's hands in her hair.

Simon asks her about it the next day when they meet up for coffee, both nursing a terrible case of hangover.

Clary stares at the coffee table like it has personally offended her and sighs. "It's nothing, we were just drunk. It won't happen again." _That's what you thought the first time, too._

She's lying and by the look on Simon's face, he can tell too, but neither comment on it. Simon quickly changes the subject but Clary can't take her mind off the previous night, kissing Izzy, touching Izzy, _Izzy, Izzy, Izzy._

Clary feels that familiar pang of yearning in her chest at the thought of the other girl; they've been best friends since before Clary can remember and have always been touchy-feely with each other but they never crossed the line between friends and lovers, until now. She knew the casual hook-ups were a bad idea from the get-go but she didn't expect to fall in love along the way.

Clary chokes on her coffee at the sudden realisation.

She had a hunch she felt more for Izzy than she let on but she never let herself dwell on it, thinking it was just physical attraction and nothing more, but now she is certain.

_She is in love with Izzy._

She is _in love_.

With _Izzy_.

Simon asks her if she's okay but she just shakes her head and excuses herself, walking towards the bathroom as fast as she can without having to run.

Clary splashes her face with water, trying to clear her head.

She needs to end this.

She needs to end this before she can get hurt. Or, before the damage becomes too much to mend.

(A voice in her head tells her that maybe it already has.)

//

"Izzy, we need to talk."

It's one afternoon when both girls are doing their school work in the living room that Clary decides to bring it up. She has no idea what Izzy will say and how it will affect their relationship but she knows that the sooner she ends it, the better.

Izzy slowly raises her head to look at her, pushing away her textbook. "About what?"

Clary's hands are starting to shake but she keeps her eyes trained on Izzy. "You know what."

Izzy sighs and runs a hand through her hair.

"Do we really need to talk about it? We've come so far without mentioning it, why the sudden change?"

Clary licks her lips and looks away then back at Izzy. "Because... Because..." She feels her confidence melting away and clears her throat, fiddling with her hands, and begins again, "Because I can't do this anymore. I was okay with it at first but..."

"But?" Izzy prompts.

"I'm..." Clary groans and stands up, running a hand down her face, because she's frustrated with her sudden inability to talk. "For fuck's sake!"

_Why is this so hard?_

"Clary, what is it?" Izzy asks and reaches out, trying to make her sit down again but Clary jerks away.

"I'm in love with you!" she finally gets the words out and then continues in a more calm voice, digging her nails in her palm, "I can't do this anymore because I am in love with you."

Izzy's eyes widen and she just sits there, not saying anything. Clary kind of wishes she would.

"I know I wasn't supposed to. I- I never expected for it to happen but now that it has I can't- I can't keep kissing you and pretending it doesn't mean anything!" _It doesn't to you_ , is left unsaid.

"Aren't you going to say something?" Clary asks when Izzy remains silent.

There's something sad in her eyes and Clary doesn't think she's prepared for what's coming, yet she thinks it'd be best if all cards are laid on the table, no more truths left hidden.

Izzy stands up then and steps closer to Clary but doesn't make any attempts to touch her and Clary's grateful.

"I don't know what you want me to say," she starts, "but I think it's probably not this. I'm sorry, Clary, I- I don't love you like that."

Clary's vision gets blurry with unshed tears and she quickly wipes her eyes with her sleeve, feeling pathetic for crying. She knew this would happen, tried to prepare herself for when Izzy rejected her and yet it still felt like her heart was ripped out her chest when she heard the other voice her fears.

Now, Izzy pulls Clary's hand away from her face and hugs her. "Babe, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, it was just some stupid way to get my mind off things. I never should've kissed you, I'm sorry."

As much as Clary wants to blame her for all of this, she knows she could've walked out earlier and prevented this from happening; but as much as she doesn't want to admit it, there was a part of her that wished to let Izzy play with her heart for as long as she wanted, if only Clary could keep holding her, keep pretending Izzy meant all those kisses and secret touches.

//

Things aren't supposed to change after that; but then again, nothing is supposed to happen between them until it does.

Clary tries to act like everything's fine and it doesn't pain her to so much as look at Izzy or be near her, though she can't help but keep her distance.

Now they no longer cuddle on the sofa, watching Disney movies, Clary even going as far as to sit on the other end of the couch; on the days when they both have morning classes, Clary gets up earlier and usually stays behind in the school library until late evening, borderline avoiding Izzy like the plague. Yet, Izzy doesn't say anything about it in the times they do spend together, whether it be because she feels guilty or she didn't really notice anything wrong - Clary can't tell.

//

Almost a whole month passes and despite her hopes, Clary's feelings remain the same. She thought that not seeing her friend every day would make the pain in her chest lessen until it completely went away, but no such thing.

She is mad at herself, angry with her heart for ruining what they had, not only the random kisses but their friendship of ten years; but no matter how hard she tries she can't deny the fact she still loves Izzy.

//

The end of the semester comes and Clary doesn't have to try to steer clear of Izzy, even if she wanted to, because finals are upon them and everybody, Clary included, is too busy from stressing out to think about trivial things such as feelings.

One Wednesday night, after hours of revising and finishing the last touches of one of her paintings, Clary dozes off on the kitchen table, textbooks spread about. That's why she doesn't hear her alarm clock, which was still in her bedroom, the next morning, and Clary swore that thing could be heard from miles away.

She wakes up to somebody gently nudging her arm. Clary slowly opens eyes, adjusting to the light, and comes face to face with Izzy who is smiling softly down at her.

"G'morning," she greets Clary and pushes a cup of steaming coffee her way. "That chair must've been really uncomfortable."

Clary hums in acknowledgement, her mind still cloudy from sleep, seemingly unable to catch up with her surroundings and the fact that _Izzy_ , the person to blame for so many sleepless nights, the object of her affections, but who also she spent avoiding for a month, was _right there_ in front her.

Clary's eyes suddenly widen, the girl finally remembering she has class and is currently wearing yesterday's clothes with her teeth unbrushed. She grabs her phone to check the time.

"Don't panic, you still have like an hour," she hears Izzy's voice, the girl now busying herself with making breakfast. Clary sighs in relief. She has time to shower.

"Also," Izzy starts, and Clary notices a change in her tone, "I think we should talk."

 Ah, there it is. The 'I-don't-think-we-should-be-friends/roommates-anymore' speech.  

Clary feels a sense of déjà vu, recalling the conversation they had in this very same room a month ago.

"Clary, why did you keep avoiding me?"

_Wait, what?_

"What?"

Izzy sighs and turns around. "At first I thought you needed some alone time or whatever but it's been almost a month and I really wish you'd talk to me!"

Clary bites her lip and looks away. "I didn't wanna make you uncomfortable."

"What do you mean?" Izzy asks, as if it is the last thing she expected.

"Your best friend being in love with you and all, and not only is that person your best friend, but they also live with you. I just wanted to give you," _and myself,_ "some space." 

Izzy grabs the plates with the now-fried eggs and toast and sets them on the table.

"Clary, that was the most stupid thing you've ever done," she says, sitting down. Her tone suggests she might be joking but Clary swears she sees hurt in her eyes. "Miscommunication is the reason this whole mess started and you thought staying away from me would fix it?" 

Clary is suddenly overwhelmed with guilt and opens her mouth to protest but Izzy raises a hand to stop her.

"When you told me you loved me, I panicked. You know I'm not very good with feelings and relationships. I would blame my mom for my commitment issues, but it's partly my fault too." She takes a deep breath. "I felt really bad for what I did to you, but at the time I thought you weren't interested in a long-term thing either. For this whole month I blamed myself, thinking that I fucked up real bad this time and I was scared I lost my best friend.

"I love you, Clary. I mean it as a friend but, also as something else. I think- I think I'm capable of falling in love with you, if you'll have me."

Clary's breath hitches in her throat and she realises she is shaking. She's almost positive she's crying.

Her suspicions are confirmed when Izzy raises a hand to wipe the tear running down her cheek. There's a gentle smile on her face, her eyes watery.

"So." Izzy clears her throat. "You willing to give this a shot?"

She doesn't love her just yet, but she _could_ , and that's all that matters to Clary in that moment as she raises her hand and puts it on top of Izzy's.

She's smiling through her tears as she says, "Yes."

Things aren't supposed to change between them, but maybe it's for the best that they do.

("Iz, I'm sorry for avoiding you. We should've just talked."

"If you pull some shit like this again, I'll tell Magnus about that time you lost Chairman Meow."

"You _wouldn't_."

"Try me, Fray.")


End file.
